BluePhoenix

I feel I’m being compacted
Squashed in by each side
Of my little box house I’ve constructed within my mind
That holds the overflow from my brain
I’m being compacted but yet I can
Feel it running over the edges of the box
You can’t pour more water into a full glass
It simply leaks over the edges and spills on the table.

Poem To My Younger Self
Girl
You’re so young
So bubbly and happy
Your blind-eyed enthusiasm
Is almost sickening

Girl
You think your infallible
Even though you say that you don’t
The truth is, one day you’re gonna tumble
It’ll really hurt

Girl
I know what your reaction is to that
Laughing and shaking your head,
You pretend to agree
So I get off your back

Girl
Your pride is part of your downfall
But at the same time, is absent when it’s needed most
I’d like to tell you that you not arrogant
But the fact is, you sometimes are

Girl
You’re too picky
You’re choosy when all that’s in font of you
Is a bowl-full of salad and some green goop
Rather than the fully stocked buffet

Girl
You ain’t perfect
But neither am I
Remember this:
Every crooked pot has a crooked lid

I
It’s not always
Obvious
Sometimes it’s
A smile
From a stranger
Sometimes it’s
A ray of sun or
A simple melody

II
Sometimes it’s easy to find
If you know where to look
Perhaps it’s under your bed
In a shoebox
holding memories of old friends
Perhaps it is nestled amongst the wildflowers
A hidden treasure wrapped in colour

III
Sometimes you don’t know you’re looking for it
Until you find it.
It’s like a wonderful surprise gift
That turns your day around
More valuable than any trinket

IV
Sometimes what you need
Is nothing more than
Someone who listens
Without judgment or fail
Someone who will still care about you
Even if you yell and scream at them
Even if you tell them that you hate them.

When did I become so hard?
I can’t recall when this armor first arrived
It must have crept up on me so slowly
But if that is the case why didn’t I see it before?
I am like a walnut
Covered by a thick shell
But who will take a nutcracker and release me from this prison?

I want to recapture my naivety
As flawed it may have been
And as painful as it was to have it ripped from me
Like a infant’s security blanket
I long to allow them to see my soul
To bare my throat because I truly believe that my “friends”
Won’t take a knife to my jugular

Perhaps this armor is merely another form of naivety
People only see what they want to see
And the only thing I can see in others is the worst of them
To see only one corner of a room when there are four
Must be just as bad as ignoring the corners all together

What’s the point of breaking down my armor now?
I’ve burnt the bridges and strayed off the path
At this point I’m just wandering alone in the dark
To take off my protection would be pointless
When there’s no one left to see it

I feel like I’ve been packed away,
Crammed into a cardboard box
With neat labels on the side
“This way up”, “Fragile”
Actually, not fragile, never fragile
I can be as mad as a hatter
Laughing into my straight-jacket
But I can’t shatter like fine wine glasses
At the first tumble

I wish someone would tell me though,
Which way IS up??
Am I standing with my feet on the ground
Or are my legs really just dangling in thin air?
I want direction
I need direction
I’m looking for the red dot on the map
“You are here”
Followed by the blue line
That’ll show me where to go

My indecisiveness scares me
Am I going to end up like my mother
Standing in the meat isle
Debating over whether to get turkey or chicken?

Scratch my decision to want a map
If I have one I’ll only be too dependant on it
I’ll sell all my buildings
and use up my get-out-of-jail-free cards
And go right back to “GO!”
Because that’s what the map says is the right thing to do
And by the time I realize everything I’ve lost
I’ll be wearing nothing but my underwear
Inside my box house
Cursing the map that I so loved

Sometimes I feel like
I’d willingly get into the box
My, do I seem to have a machovistic streak
Now hand me the packing tape
I’ll close myself in
And here I am again, back at the box metaphore
It always ends with a metaphore
Why do I need to puzzle it all out?
Can’t you just give me the walkthrough, the solution?
Why do you alway screw with my mind
Haven’t I been through enough?