Heavensknight07

I have no idea what is up with myself. I’ve been so busy all week, it feels like I haven’t gotten to be with me. It was supposed to be my week off. I’ve gone through quite a range of emotions too. Happiness…. some sadness…. the pains of missing someone… uncertainty about my future… feeling cold… and dead…. but, thinking back to it… I’m not even sure when I felt those ways. It’s just one big blur.

I do miss my ex. And, I tried being friends with her, but, she’s just too busy right now. And, I’m not sure if that will ever change. She probably has a new boyfriend. She seemed to never be single. But, I don’t know that. And, I don’t want to know. Our lives grew apart a long time ago. I have a new different live. And, although, I want to get to know her again, and possibly get back together, I shouldn’t feel that way. It might be because V-day is around the corner…. but, I don’t think that alone is setting this off. I really did feel like she was amazing. And, I wanted to be in every part of her life, and start a family and all of that. I would travel countless miles just to be next to her for a few minutes. We had something real. And because I wasn’t exactly straight with myself, and had too much of a complex going, with all of my negativity and terrible tunnel-vision, I ruined it. Well, only time will tell what happens to me now… maybe. I could always try to search for new things on my own. And, I will.

My friends and I planned this awesome trip to Tennessee next month during their spring break. We already have the cabin booked. I’m currently looking up activities, although we all have an idea of things to do there. It’s right next to a National Park, and most of us want to take a look around there. Get pictures, hike some trails, see some waterfalls, and animals. But, there’s also horseback riding, some museums, restaurants, and other activities we can take part in. Plus, a few other big cities are around. We might get into some of that too. In fact, I’m starting to imagine it now. It’s going to be one hell of a trip. I can’t wait.

I forget what else was freaking me out. Today is supposed to be a good day. It’s my birthday. I don’t really have anything planned, but, I don’t feel that I need to. Sometimes, at least for most of my life, it’s just been another day. And, there’s probably nothing wrong with that. I kinda wish I was doing something, but, it’s no big deal. I did have a crazy week.

I should’ve written the other day, but, I’ve been quite busy. Though, I really needed to vent. Last night, I got a ticket in the middle of nowhere, coming home from working a double. The streets were dead empty and quiet. The asshole cop was rude as all hell, and just a plain fucking jerk. Ruining my life because something was wrong with his. I feel like he became a cop just to gain power. I feel like they should be required to get counseling before they actually work. Not everyone is fit to be a cop. I’m planning on fighting it. I have an amazing driving record. I’ve only been stopped three times, and never given a ticket for speeding. This motherfucker just wanted to give me points. He practically asked so before hand. Fuck him and his shitty town. Writing me a ticket because he had nothing fucking better to do. The whole fucking town was like 4 blocks long. Jesus…. read a fucking book or something. Enjoy your paycheck without wanting something more. And if you do want something more, choose a different career. Find a harder city to work in. Shoot yourself… something….. I don’t care… but, don’t fucking pull me over.

That didn’t quite make me feel better, but, it needed to be said. Fuck him. I hope my lawyer destroys him. He was a prick.

Anywho, I had one crazy weekend. I went to visit a State Park again to take pictures. I took about 300, and I would say most of them are pretty nice. I was experimenting with certain things. Just winging it.

https://plus.google.com/photos/107990094835972418593/albums/5705341320127955537?authkey=COC7xOLc1v_EuAE

It turns out that there was an Indian Reservation there, but, since the chief died, it has been abandoned. It lead to some great pictures. I had also been to one of their annual festivals about 10 years ago with my first girlfriend. Memories of the place came flooding back when I found out. Probably why I took so many pictures. I had some great ideas for stories from all of the scenery and what not. Thoughts of haunted places and ghosts. I’m not sure I should run with them. My creative output has been short. Although, I should see myself more as an artist and just go for it.

Some crazy stuff has been going down at work. People have been getting fired. I’ve been needing a break, and this week was supposed to be it, but, now I’m working Wednesday night, and I have to go in today to talk to a director or something. I really don’t want to. I might not even shower, just go, come back, and then shower. I kind of want to say, give me a fucking break, but, I can’t. Having to work Wednesday kind of puts a hitch in my giddy up. It impedes the work I was going to do. More so today than anything. I feel like I can’t get started on living again until all this stuff is cleared out. It’s not true, but, it feels like it.

I can’t say it did stop me from doing stuff. I did apply to new jobs already. I’m about to clean my room, wash my clothes, rearrange things, and start to read. But, I know once I’m done that, I have to leave, only to return some time later.

I started to look at these youtube videos on how to play some songs on piano. Easy songs, so far. Only 4 chords. I’m pretty sure I can handle it. And, it will get me into the habit of playing. On guitar, I’m doing a bit more of the intermediate stuff. And, hopefully, I will finish my first lesson this week. After years of having it, and knowing that I know most of what’s written inside, I’m finally going to read it all and practice what I know and learned.

I feel like I need someone to talk to on a more regular basis. Life has been good, but, I want to share that goodness with someone. I haven’t heard from my ex or her friend in weeks. I was truly hoping something would come from that, but, nothing yet. I feel like I should just ask more of my friends to talk more. We are hanging out tonight though. Getting sushi. I hoping I don’t rage when I drive. Fucking asshole cop. Jeez, that still bothers me. He was such a douchebag. Anyway, …yeah.

Sigh… I needed to write…. just because…. things seem so out of balance today. I practiced my major scales, pentatonic scales, read some of the lessons about it, watched the video related to it. I read a chapter in this modern music book I picked up years ago, it seems. I played some games, watched some tv series, read a little. But, I still felt like something was far off. Something isn’t quite right this day. Like I lost sight of my goals…. which, I kind of did…. but, not entirely.

I met with my counselor Saturday, and we discussed my goals for the week. I guess, today I’m just not motivated towards it, although, I did complete some of it. My guitar practice. I can see how easy it is to get mixed up with them now. But, hopefully, with my practice, I can keep them separated. So far, so good. Maybe as I sleep tonight, my mind will put it all in the right place. I think maybe I feel like I’m delaying something…. I should have practiced the song list my friends and I came up with. And probably learned some more songs we talked about.

I’m thinking about doing something, perhaps slightly stupid…. but, would be cool to get myself going again. I’m not going to name it or talk about it here, but, it relates to making songs, and sending them in a certain direction.

I’m feeling much better with the achy soreness that snowboarding brought on. My neck was the worst part, and it’s almost completely better.

I’m actually not too sure what I’m going to do tomorrow, besides work. Not sure what I want to do. I kind of don’t know what I’m after anymore. Well… that’s not true… maybe I’m just bogged down because I’m in debt for now. And, I will start working on that soon. Actually, as soon as Friday comes. But, my house is out of oil, and we need to put some money towards that…. Yet another set back.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to when I barely spent money…. but, that would leave my life boring, and friendless. I love going out with my friends…. and, I’m not going to stop. Not unless I absolutely need to. I just need to budget better. And, I’m capable of that. Starting Friday, I can start to see things sorting out. I will know how much, when, and where to spread all the goodness. Then I can get back to being myself a bit more.

In the meantime, more free trips to state parks. More doing art at home, and making music… which I’m starting to feel better about doing. I want to record… I just need my materials that I left with friends. Then, I need to step on the gas and floor it.

I went snowboarding yesterday. It was really fun. I learned tons, even though I fell a bunch of times. Also, I’m pretty out of shape, so, I was tired after 3-4 hours. I fell on my back and slammed my head twice on the mountain. It kind of did me in. Today, I’m as sore as can be. My neck is the worst part. It feels slightly swollen, and it hurts to try to lift my head from bed. But, it was worth it. My double tomorrow is going to suck, but, as long as I feel better than today, it will be easy peasy.

My room is a gigantic mess. I would clean it if I wasn’t so sore. I just want to choose one thing, and do that for a few hours, then another things for a few hours, and then sleep. Hopefully comfortably.

I got my hair cut today, and I had a therapy session. I’m satisfied with the way things are going. I’m trying to step things up, and accomplish more. Become a better guitarist, and do more art, and things like that. I’m thinking about going back to school. Well, not today. Today I just want to rest. But, I’m sure things are getting better… will be getting better….

I was up at 5:30 or so…. when I’m awake, I’m fine…. when I sleep, my subconscious comes into play…. there’s something lingering…. I don’t want to admit it, but, it’s true…. I’m curious about something, but, I don’t want to walk down that path. Not right now….maybe not ever. I’m not sure. I’m trying to keep busy…. but, nothing is truly keeping my attention.

I’m feeling guilty over watching tons of tv shows, I don’t quite feel like reading again yet; although, I did blow right through The Hunger Games, and catching up to my friends on the second book would be great…. I just don’t feel like reading about relationships and lies, and all of the other things… although the action parts are really good.

Last night, I started another collage…. using charcoal, magazine cut outs, color pencils….. it’s kind of related… but, not related to my life… it’s really the only idea I had at the time, and I just wanted to get started….

I’m trying to get a grip on myself… remind myself I’m a different person… things are different these days…. I’m actually considering using my last few months of the boxing gym to get back in shape and burn off some steam. I think I have until March. I was going to start today, but, a combination of coffee and empty thoughts kept me up. Out of every day these past two weeks… it had to be today. And, with such a productive day yesterday, I’m wondering if I’m just going to crash and burn today…. but, it’s probably because I’m putting too much pressure on myself again. But, I’m not sure why…. why so much pressure. What am I after, and why?

Actually…. I kinda found a better way to destroy one of my credit card bills within the next month or so…. Once I get rolling, then, there will be nothing stopping me. I’m going to get everything down and start to build my life.

I want a nice home, in a different state, with a better job. I want to learn new things, and have new experiences. And, I’ve already started with my State Parks journey. Taking pictures like I wanted…. starting to do art… reading…. writing again…. well…. the writing seems like I have an ulterior motive… but, it’s writing….

Actually… with the look of things… I’m more stressed than I have been in a while…. and, I know the exact reason…. but, I’m starting to see it as a challenge, instead of a roadblock… I haven’t been going over things in my head a million times… at least not while I’m awake…. It’s a different story when I’m asleep. I guess there’s something deep down. Stuff I’ll talk about in therapy.

I really need to get a haircut. Then at least one thing would feel a bit better at night. I think I’m going to remove my bookmarks toolbar. It’s not really doing me any good. Just bad reminders about things. And I rarely check it.