I was up at 5:30 or so…. when I’m awake, I’m fine…. when I sleep, my subconscious comes into play…. there’s something lingering…. I don’t want to admit it, but, it’s true…. I’m curious about something, but, I don’t want to walk down that path. Not right now….maybe not ever. I’m not sure. I’m trying to keep busy…. but, nothing is truly keeping my attention.

I’m feeling guilty over watching tons of tv shows, I don’t quite feel like reading again yet; although, I did blow right through The Hunger Games, and catching up to my friends on the second book would be great…. I just don’t feel like reading about relationships and lies, and all of the other things… although the action parts are really good.

Last night, I started another collage…. using charcoal, magazine cut outs, color pencils….. it’s kind of related… but, not related to my life… it’s really the only idea I had at the time, and I just wanted to get started….

I’m trying to get a grip on myself… remind myself I’m a different person… things are different these days…. I’m actually considering using my last few months of the boxing gym to get back in shape and burn off some steam. I think I have until March. I was going to start today, but, a combination of coffee and empty thoughts kept me up. Out of every day these past two weeks… it had to be today. And, with such a productive day yesterday, I’m wondering if I’m just going to crash and burn today…. but, it’s probably because I’m putting too much pressure on myself again. But, I’m not sure why…. why so much pressure. What am I after, and why?

Actually…. I kinda found a better way to destroy one of my credit card bills within the next month or so…. Once I get rolling, then, there will be nothing stopping me. I’m going to get everything down and start to build my life.

I want a nice home, in a different state, with a better job. I want to learn new things, and have new experiences. And, I’ve already started with my State Parks journey. Taking pictures like I wanted…. starting to do art… reading…. writing again…. well…. the writing seems like I have an ulterior motive… but, it’s writing….

Actually… with the look of things… I’m more stressed than I have been in a while…. and, I know the exact reason…. but, I’m starting to see it as a challenge, instead of a roadblock… I haven’t been going over things in my head a million times… at least not while I’m awake…. It’s a different story when I’m asleep. I guess there’s something deep down. Stuff I’ll talk about in therapy.

I really need to get a haircut. Then at least one thing would feel a bit better at night. I think I’m going to remove my bookmarks toolbar. It’s not really doing me any good. Just bad reminders about things. And I rarely check it.